Always trying to contain the giggles but failing

Always In Your Hands”Addilyn! Come out, come out, wherever you are!” I hold my small hands and tiny fingers over my mouth trying to contain the giggles but failing miserably as they escape. I just can’t help it, I’m just so good at this game. Even though I’m not sure how I got here everything about this place is familiar, my mother’s loving voice, the warm San Diego air, even Miss.Cuddles is with me. “Found you!” suddenly me and my stuffed rabbit were both in my mother’s arms, still wrapped in the blanket we were hiding under. It felt as if my mother had a million fingers and was tickling me with each and every single one of them. All of a sudden she stopped and looked up “do you hear those footsteps? Pizza’s here!” I feel overwhelmed with joy, I have been waiting a million years for my pepperoni pizza. Just then the doorbell rang a rather strange but almost familiar beeping sound and the room went white. Im standing in the living room of our, at the time, new house. The door slowly opens, I see my mom’s tired face. Her eyes looked heavy and it looked like it was taking everything in her to make it in the door alone. Behind her my dad walks in holding the twins in their car-seats. I start running around my grandma, who had been staying with me while my parents were at the hospital. “You’re going to have to sit down if you want to hold the babies.” my mom said in her exhausted voice. I run as fast as my little body could carry me and plopped down on the couch like a sack of potatoes. I told my mom that she was going to have one boy and one girl, she said to me that we’ll find out when they’re born. Grandma informed me last night that I was right, which came as no surprise, I’m always right, even when I’m wrong I’m right, but that doesn’t matter right now. My dad tells me to take a breath and calm down because I’m bouncing like a kangaroo, it was then that I realized I had no control over what was happening. This isn’t real, I’m not really here. It was real, I was here, but now it’s just a memory. My mom pulls out the camera to take a picture of me holding Kalie and Grandma holding Hayden, the camera flashes and I close me eyes as tight as any four year old would, when I open them, I’m in another memory. Its my first day in the new school, Grade six. I`m late, late on my first day! Why do the twins have to be so slow all of the time? “New school, new me. New school, new me.” I whisper this to myself to remind me that I can be anyone I want because no one here knows me. My mom told me to wear my hair down and curly, even curled its past my waist. She told me all the girls would be jealous of my long dark hair and bright blue eyes but I don’t want the girls to be jealous, I just wanted to be liked. The only seat left in the whole room is beside a girl with long dark hair, but still shorter than mine, she looks like she’s in her own little world drawing away. I study the picture, it looks dark, painful but also kind of soothing all at the same time. “Can I help you?” the girl says as she slams the book shut. I look up to see her evil glare. I’m not sure what to say, do I apologize, do I look away and pretend like nothing had ever happened but before I could reply her glare turned into what looked like a pity stare. “I`m sorry, its been a long morning. My names Tatum, can we please start over?” Start over, I like that I think to myself as I nod my head. I wasn’t sure if it was because she felt bad for me or if she felt bad for snapping but either way it reassured me I’d be okay and I knew I wanted to be her friend. This time when the memory was over the room didn’t go white but a loud rythemed beeping took over, the same sound as the doorbell earlier, and the room started to spin like crazy.When the room stopped spinning and the beeping faded, I was in my high school walking down the hallway, with Tatum. The hallway smelt funny today, different than I remember, almost like it had been cleaned floor to ceiling, but the janitor had trouble even sweeping this gross place. I don’t understand. Why am I here, why am I reliving these parts of my life, what’s going on? “Here comes Emerson and her pack.” I heard Tatum’s voice but all I could focus on was that name. Emerson, Emerson, Emerson… suddenly it all came rushing back to me, flooding my brain with the answers to my questions. I had experienced so much pain from the last few months that it felt physically like I was dying but wait, was I actually physically dying? Everything was blurry, it felt like I was flying through memories. The rhymed sound of beeps were back, I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry. Everything from the small jokes in the hallway, to the terrible posts on social media, all the way up to when I finally snapped. The memories slowed down and I reached my last one. I had lost Tatum a couple weeks before, she was part of Emerson’s group because she was scared of whatever Emerson had on her. I wasn’t sure what she was keeping so deep inside her but for her sake I hoped it was nothing and for mine, I hoped it was something so big that it was worth hurting me so deeply. Life had gotten to the point that I had nobody, nothing, so one night I took all the pills out of the medicine cabinet. Not sure what exactly I had in my hand I threw the pills in and took a drink, then some more, and one last time, I knew that would be more than enough. I layed down and waited. I’m not ready to die now, it was a mistake, things were so bad I had forgotten about the good. What were the twins going to do without their big sister? How are my parents going to feel, are they going to blame themselves? What if Tatum’s big secret comes out and she has no one? What if Tatum decides this is the only answer like I had? I need to fight! I don’t know how but I’m going to have to get through this. The rhymed beeps, I must be in the hospital, that’s a good sign isn’t it? Why haven’t I woken up yet? The beeps are getting faster I have to calm down, do I wait or do I make a plan? I’m stuck here, the memories playing over and over.  I tried everything I could until all of a sudden the heart monitor was no longer beeping but screaming and everything turned into nothing.


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